I Pink I Can, I Pink I Can

Well, a week later and I'm still somewhat sore from the 3Day that we walked last weekend! Actually the only thing that still hurts is my right heel that has a bone spur (I think), but it's not bad at all. I SURVIVED!!! We all survived! What an awesome group of women I did this with. I was blown away by their perseverance, their attitude, their willingness and their speed! I was left in the dust most of the time...but that was fine with me. They would hang with me for a while and we would talk and hang out, then it was time for them to put it in high gear. I only had 1 gear this weekend...slow. But I'm ok with that and it's what helped me hang in there on the first day and the last day. If my pace would have been any faster, I don't think I would have survived. The second day, I did cave into my pain and only made it a little over 13 miles and let the sweep van take me back to camp. I just couldn't take 1 more step. But somehow, I made the first day of 21.5 miles and the third day of 18 miles. I'm so amazed at what my body and mind were able to accomplish, as well as thousands of other women and men. It really isn't an easy task, but so worth it. It felt incredible crossing that finish line at SMU. I was actually jumping up and down when Jess (she was injured so we walked all 18 miles together!) and I made it to the holding area, or finish line, and the rest of our team was there together rooting us on and cheering for us!! Then we walked arm and arm through the closing ceremonies! It was really an experience like none other I've had before. I personally felt such a sense of accomplishment, especially since I've never been athletic or into sports of any kind. It made me wonder what other things in life I've shied away from and would I have felt this same sense of accomplishment if I would have just tried! I've always been a little hesitant with most things, but now I'm thinking why not me! God created me, and he doesn't create beings that are insecure, scared, fearful and afraid. Those are feelings that we allow to creep into our lives for whatever reason. Sure, I wish that I had got it at 17 when I was still young, but that's ok...I'm not too old to learn!

In fact, my teacher from the interior design class that I was taking, started her career as a CPA. Then when she turned 40, she decided to enroll in El Centro's Interior Design program and 5 years later, she started her business life over as an interior designer for an architect company. She now does residential design and teaches continuing ed classes for the community colleges. She is in her sixties and says it was a wonderful and rewarding move for her and her family! I'm considering doing this myself. Scott and I have talked a little about it and he is very supportive of whatever decision I make on this. What a guy!!! And quite honestly, I feel it's something that I can do. That's something that I wouldn't have told myself a year or two or three years ago.

Enjoy some pictures from the 3Day below. If you ever want to do something that's challenging and very rewarding, PINK about doing the 3Day!

Does the Girl Have Attitude or What?

I had to post this when I saw it. This is Cassie and a couple of her friends playing around at church with our props for the Improv night. What a hoot they were!! I do believe Cassie has the attitude of a SuperModel, God help us all...seriously!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sEQirelHjO
Aren't they so cute!!!

Until next time...(and no, it won't be again tonight, April - even though you would love that!)

De-Cluttering and Simplifing

That's what I've been doing for the last week. I can't believe how much "stuff" we accumulate as a family. It is almost sickening. I really feel that life has to be de-cluttered and simplified on a regular basis, especially with six people in a family. We had a garage sale for our 3 Day as a fundraiser and that started this process. I took at least 2-3 van loads of "stuff" over to Carey's house and that really didn't even put a dent in our mess. So this week I started going through our "stuff" with a different attitude this time...how long has it been since we used this? If it's been longer than a year, out it goes!
You see, Scott and I are quite the pack rats. We both want to hang on to everything because we might need it someday. Well, you know what happens then...it sits in a drawer somewhere and takes up space and collects dust. I'm just about done with the downstairs with the exception of mine and Scott's closet, which is a very large walk-in. So you can imagine what it looks like after almost 5 years of being a storage area. We used to joke about how large it was and you could almost make it a room. Now the two of us can barely stand in there together. But it will be done by next weekend! Hopefully the rest of the house as well. I just don't want to let this happen again, though. I don't see any reason to have this much "stuff" in one house! I've also been struggling lately (as stated a few posts ago) that there is just too much going on in my life with volunteering. I'm still working through that and I've come to the conclusion that God doesn't want me to do everything and say yes to everything, even if it's something that I feel I'm good at or would love doing. God wants me to use my time very wisely and be here for my family as well. I struggled with this when I first quite working to stay at home. I wanted to volunteer for anything and everything with the kids and their school. I'm much better at it now where school is concerned...but then along came church. And that's where my struggle is now. But it's becoming much clearer that my life has to be simplified along with all the de-cluttering.

The other reason I started this de-cluttering process is that we are moving Cassie into Dylan's room and Dylan and Justin are going to be in the same room together, which is now Scott's office/Justin's room. Then Scott will move into what used to be Cassie's room...the master retreat is what our home builder referred to it as. It was always intended to become Scott's office and now we are going to make that official since he's working from home. Besides, Cassie needs a room of her own with a door and a closet. Not one that is connected to mom and dad's room with only a stair case...if you know what I mean! Scott can't wait to have his very own space that will be just his. I'm really excited about it for him as well. He needs his own space that kids are not going to come in and take over. Can't wait to show off my decorating skills when we do his room with all of his travel items and his Star Trek "stuff". That is really going to take some skills, but my teacher says it can be done!

Well, hopefully my next post will be about how my house is completely de-clutterized and how my life is becoming much more simplified!

Until next time...

Get the Tissues

I'm wondering where I'd be,
if you hadn't been there, looking out for me?
Would my heart be lost on the streets?
Would my heart have found a reason to beat?

I would like to thank you for being what you are for me
for saying all those things, though I don't seem to agree.
Cause it took a few long years for these selfish eyes to see.
You've lived less for you than you have for me.

I swear I was right in my own mind,
but feelings and thoughts... they change with time.
I felt you weren't easy enough,
but you... you were just raising me with love.

And it isn't easy to face my guilt.
Words I've said, I shouldn't have said, they slipped out of my mouth
And it isn't easy to show my love.
Thoughts I've had, I should have said, but I couldn't get them out.

Until next time...

And the Winner is....

It's pretty interesting to hear some of the guesses for my iPod...pretty funny, too. Especially Rebel Jedi Mom!! MILKSHAKE...what music are you listening to AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS? :) I do believe there is so much to learn about the one from Coruscant!

Here is my artist list...
Ace of Base
Alicia Keys
Bee Gees
Christina Aguilera
Depeche Mode
Donna Summer
Fall Out Boy
Fleetwood Mack
Guns N' Roses
Justin Timberlake
Kelly Clarkson
The Killers
Lenny Kravitz
Loverboy
Melissa Etheridge
Stevie Nicks
Styx

I still have lots of CD's to rip, but that's what my $50 bought me.

I think we just need to have everyone over for lunch one day and then we can play all my iTunes and maybe you'll feel like doing dishes or laundry or some other chore that I seem to enjoy much more when listening to my new music. Ok, maybe we can just have everyone over and I won't make you listen to my music or do any of my housework.

Thanks for playing. Until next time...

iPod, uPod, We All Need 2Pod

I have been having so much fun with my new iPod Nano that Scott and the kids got me. I don't think I've been this excited about a gift in a while. I LOVE music, so this was a perfect gift. Scott thought it would be great since I'm working out now (BTW -I did 3 miles today in 55 minutes, best time yet - so cool to see my body gaining strength). I also got a gift certificate for $50 to iTunes that I used yesterday. It was so much fun downloading songs that I haven't heard in years. I was walking around the house all day with my iPod singing and dancing. It's much more fun to wash dishes and fold laundry when your listening to songs you love! Scott was begging me to stop by the end of the day...something about me not being able to sing on key or something. I don't know, I couldn't really hear what he was saying...I was too busy listening to ???? Free lunch to anyone who can name 5 artist on my iPod. You can't play, Scott. You've already checked it out and disapproved of my tunes.

I received many other nice gifts for my birthday as well. My mom bought me 2 tickets to see Peter Frampton at Billy Bob's in October. I had such a huge crush on him when I was about 11. I had his fold-out album cover hanging on my closet door and I used to sing and dance around to his songs while gazing into his eyes. Sounds very similar to what I did yesterday, just not any gazing. Scott, can I hang a big picture of you on the closet door?

Thanks to everyone for making this year such a memorable one for me. I will never forget it. It feels really good to have such a beautiful family and wonderful friends! During the party, Carey informed me that Scott did basically everything for it. After the party, I mentioned that to him and he said that was very intentional on his part. His reason was that he felt he had let me down in the past and he wanted to make sure that he put all of HIS efforts into doing this for me. I know it was a lot of hard work and lots of lies that you had to keep up with. But it meant a lot to me that you did it. Thanks so much and I can't wait until your 40th. I know exactly what you want and it's not a surprise party. I think I need to start looking for a job now to pay for it, though. Those guided hunts are expensive, but hey, you are absolutely worth it!! Thanks again!

Another thing that made the night a hit was Justin singing a song for me that he wrote. It was amazing to see him perform in front of everyone, he was very nervous. And to hear the words that he wrote just for us!! Moments like that are what make parenting so worth it. I love him dearly ALL OF THE TIME, but we definitely have our moments of hardship. It was extremely nice to hear that some of what Scott and I are trying to teach him and the other kids, is actually seeping in. Justin has such an incredible heart and an amazing talent...I just hope he can always believe that about himself. I'm going to try and post the video of it, if I can. It makes me cry every time I watch it.

I don't have many pictures yet from party because most of them were from disposable cameras. But I'll post a few from the weekend that I have and then post others later. Until next time...


Scott and Cassie brought me the sunflowers w/some pink roses and Justin got me a dozen red roses


After dinner Friday night


Me and Mom


The whole Famn Damily (does anyone remember that party game?)


Cassie had to be a part of the action while Justin was singing to me


And the best for last, me and my baby

Workout Now, Birthday Later

I wanted to do a quick post about my work out. I've decided to start posting them just so I can keep track and maybe some of you guys can keep me accountable. Scott and I did not go to the gym this morning, but I worked out on the treadmill at home. I did 3.10 miles in 79 minutes. Not sure if that is good timing or not, but I did jog a few times in there. Don't know why...it just felt good to get up some speed (4.0) and sweat a little more! I figure any time is better than what I've been doing in the past...which is, uh, NONE!!!

Birthday stuff will be blogged about later. Scott has downloaded all the video and I'm waiting on a couple of pictures, then I'll post about it. I think almost everyone who reads my blog was there (missed those of you who weren't)...so you know it was an amazing party and I was told I looked fabulous! So what more could a girl ask for?? Oh, yeah, to be serenaded by a very handsome 20 yr. old who had us all in tears!

Will post pictures soon - until next time...

Happy Birthday to ME!

Yes, today is my birthday. Those of you who read my blog already know that. But I thought I would talk about it anyway. 40 years ago, my mom was in a hospital giving birth telling the doctors to "just knock her out". We have been through much in those 40 years and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world now. I don't think I've always been able to say that.

I've been reflecting on this birthday more than usual since it is somewhat of a milestone b-day. The more I think about it the more excited and happy I am. Instead of asking myself and God what have I done with the last 40 years, I'm asking what am I going to do for the next 40 years. Knowing full well that it can be anything that I put my mind to doing. I've gained that confidence through my relationship with God, through my family and the awesome friendships that I have. By no means is my life perfect, nor is my marriage or my kids...but what is different is how I look at my life and how I've learned to put my strengths and weaknesses in the hands of my God.

On a lighter note, Scott let me sleep in this morning while he got the kids up, made their lunches and took them all to school. It was really nice just lying in bed while he was doing what I normally do every morning. Thanks, baby!! At WISDOM (my small group) everyone brought goodies to eat (thanks ladies for the yummy food), we had bible study, then we went to Jazen's afterwards for lunch. We had lots of fun - thanks for the quesadillas, Jazen! Then I had the brilliant idea of shoe polishing my car...yes, it was my idea. I had told everyone at group, I was that stinkin' excited about my birthday that I wanted to announce it to everyone..."Hey, I'm 40 today". I even cried talking to God on the way to church about how thankful I was for my life! Anyway, they shoe polished it for me and for the first time in my life, not even as a teen, I got to drive around with my car shoe polished. Pretty goofy, I know, but fun!!

Enjoy some pictures from this afternoon. Until next time...

Random Thoughts

**Workout #4 for this week was this morning. One more to go by Sunday and I'm on track.

**Trying to change my thought process from loosing weight to getting healthier. Dylan asked me today what my weight goal was and I told him that it wasn't about a number. It was about getting healthier. Now if I could live that and stop getting on the scales.

**Things are starting to get crazy again with kids - Marissa has volleyball practice tonight while Dylan has baseball practice while Cassie has girls scouts "meet the leader" night...all while Scott has school. Fun for me!

**Where do I eat tomorrow night for my b-day dinner? I really want to go somewhere different, but can't think of anything. That always happens.

**How involved in church is too involved? I'm trying to figure that out right now and ask God to show me what needs to give. So many things that I feel God wants me to be a part of, but I can't do it all. Also, I think I allow myself to get very involved because it's an excuse to not do the things that I don't want to do. I'm working on that.

**The computer is also a crutch for me in the above. I sit on the computer (just as I'm doing now) and waste time and avoid doing my housework. That's my next goal...only so much time on the computer a day or it's ok to get on the computer if _____________ is done.

Well, I'm off to do more laundry - April, want to come over and help me? :)

Until next time....

Goals, Goals and more Goals

Goals are something that I have never really been great at. My personality is one of procrastination and I also like to talk myself out of things that I start. I think most women can relate to that negative talk we give ourselves. But one thing I've noticed as I get closer to God and as I get older, is that goals in our lives are extremely important and that the negative internal talk has got to go. Without goals, how are we possibly ever going to grow? And with a negative voice in our head, how are we possibly ever going to create and meet goals? God is our biggest and #1 supporter. With Him, anything is possible. That is the message that I've been trying to retrain my brain and heart to understand. And when I hear those negative voices creeping in, I'm more apt to recognize them now and understand that they are coming from an ungodly place. And do I want to be one who honors that other place and not allow myself to grow as God wants us all to do? I do not want the evil one to be sitting back anymore and saying "That a girl, Angie. I knew I could count on you." I really think if we allow ourselves to place some of the blame on someone else (the devil) besides ourselves and our weaknesses, we could allow ourselves to focus on a much more positive being in our lives...God. I'm not saying blame every wrong thing we do on that, but instead allowing ourselves to understand how evil works and recognizing that is a big step. For instance, I know now that when I start having thoughts of "I am not smart enough, no one really cares if I'm there or not, who am I do to something like that, they are so much better at it than I am", the list could go on and on...the devil feeds on that and then it just snowballs until you believe all these negative thoughts. But if I am able to recognize it and place that blame where it belongs, I can say that is not me causing those insecurities and it certainly isn't God...it must be from the devil. It just puts things more into perspective and allows me to push it away and continue on. Fear is my main reason for not allowing myself to set and meet goals in the past and I feel that fear slipping away somewhat and it's really nice.

Some goals that I've set lately:
**Raising $2200 for the 3Day in October - I'm up to $1835!
**Working out 5 times a week - I'm up to 3 already this week!
**Making sure the laundry doesn't pile up anymore (once I get caught up from my dryer breaking down) - Still working on...but I have a brand new washer and dryer that will help me do that! Thanks, Scotty!
**Being accountable to my good friend Michele and holding each other to our goals.
**Not allowing myself to drop out of my Interior Design class. The old me would probably drop out after 2 or 3 classes.

Ask me about any of these goals if you'd like. I don't mind sharing if I've succeeded or succumbed to defeat! :)

Until next time...

Just For You, April

A sweet friend and fellow blogger has been very nicely hinting that I have not posted anything since August 22. So here goes...an update to things going on over the last month:

~~ 3Day update - Our team, Footprints of Faith is doing great. We had 2 very successful fund raisers and have raised $2900. Will be more as soon as I sell a few more items that someone donated on eBay. Our goal is $2200 each and most everyone is there or very close. I'm up to $1625 at last count. It's been such a great journey and I cannot wait to do this in October. I look forward to being able to say that this is one of my accomplishments!

~~ Scott and I have started a new workout program. Both of us are on a journey of trying to be more healthy and pro-active in what we are doing to our health in lieu of eating and exercising. We have just gotten to a point that it must go no further, we have to take charge of this now...or there will be consequences to pay. Right now, we are tracking everything we eat at Sparkpeople.com. We are also taking advantage of our community center here in Rowlett. In the mornings after dropping kids off at school, we go and workout for an hour. My goal is to do this 5 times a week and hopefully by the time the 3Day gets here, I'll be ready for it. And the other thing I'm hoping is that I'll have developed this new habit and will want to continue it with my husband as a life long commitment. Michele - keep asking about my progress! I'm not quite ready to put my goals out there yet like Scott has, but I'm seriously considering it. You really put yourself out there when you do. I will say I have lost 7 lbs. so far and have been at it for 2 weeks.

~~ Everyone in our household is attending school now. Of course Dylan, Marissa and Cassie are in public school. The girls are loving it and Dylan is already tired of it. Justin is taking a couple of classes at Eastfield and Scott is of course still going a couple of nights a week. But the latest news is that I started last Tuesday. I'm taking a continuing ed course, Interior Design I. I love it!! We are having to take a room in our home and create a floor plan of before and after. During the course of the 8 week class, our teacher and fellow students will help guide and direct us. Our teacher is a licensed interior designer with years of experience. I can't wait to tap into some of it. If you know me well, you know that this is a passion of mine (I know, you can't tell by looking at my house). But I love this so much and don't think I would ever get enough of it. My question is...how could I turn this into a ministry? That was something that was put into my head several years ago when we first started attending Springcreek. Not sure what the answer is yet...have a few ideas, but if you have any pass them on.

~~ 40 is right around the corner for me. Well, not even around the corner, it's in my driveway! I've been thinking about this for a while and really wondered if it would effect me negatively. But I really am rejoicing in it! I am not bothered at all by my age. People still tell me all the time that I look much younger and I still fill much younger. And isn't 40 the new 30? That's what I hear anyway. I still want to do something a little crazy for my 40th. I thought about getting a very small nose piercing (Scott loves the idea) or I thought about having my 13 year old tattoo updated with some sort of cross. Or maybe even something as simple as a crazy new hairstyle. Who knows...I just want to do something silly. Any ideas, let me know. Anyone want to get their nose pierced with me???

Well, I could go on and on. But I'll stop there for today. Keep me current, April. I too am a blog stalker and I love seeing new post on friends sites. So I'll try and do the same.

Until next time...

Think Pink

That was our day yesterday...everything we did was to get prepared for our first fundraiser for our 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I'm a part of a great team, Footprints of Faith, and we had a blast last night. It a very successful. It was held at a local skating rink and the people working there were incredible!! They not only gave us the proceeds from the entire night, along with each employee donating their time....but the owner matched what we made. Then we had a table that we sold candles, salsa and cookies and we made $210 from that alone (thanks Mom and Lisa)!!! We really couldn't have asked for a more generous group of people. It was a victorious night, and it was a bunch of fun.

The kids had a blast as well. They were not wanting the night to end. Dylan and Marissa had several friends there. As did Cassie, but she wanted to hang with her mom most of the night. So, unfortunately, I did not get to skate like I would have liked to. Still a blast! It was funny to see Marissa and her friends "flirting" with some of Dylan's friends AND THE DJ. Not sure I'm ready for that, but at least they were making me a part of it and coming up and telling me who they thought were cute. I remember those days....

Anyway, one fundraiser down and one more to go. Our garage sale in September. Hopefully it will be successful as well. I've raised $660 so far with not a lot of time to raise the rest....I'd better get my pink tail in gear!!

Enjoy a few pictures from last night.



Our team (minus 2)



Dylan w/friends



Cassie w/friends



Marissa w/friends



Lisa and Mom selling items and taking donations!

Until next time....

Long Island Wasn't Long Enough

Scott and I just got back from NY. We had a great time visiting with his family. Then we left Cassie with Scott's aunt and took off for Manhattan to take in a Broadway play. We saw Xanadu. We rented the movie a couple of nights before we left and could not believe we were going to see the cheeziest movie ever put on film performed on Broadway. Well, we were pleasantly surprised that it was a spoof on the movie and it was hilarious. We laughed so much and really enjoyed it. The actors were incredible and whoever wrote the play did an amazing job. Next, we headed out to Long Island, which I had never really seen. Scott drove me by the house he grew up in, his schools and some hangouts that he frequented growing up. It was fun seeing things from his childhood and I fell in love with the island. It was nothing like I thought it would be. There was so much land and country, it was beautiful. It is full of wineries, farms, beaches and very quaint little towns with country homes and country churches. I loved every minute of our short time alone!!

We started out visiting the north fork of Long Island and just went to all these little towns and stopped whenever we wanted. One of our stops was a winery and it was really fun! I so want to be a wine drinker and sip red wine with Scott, but it just ain't gonna happen! We made several stops at little shops and town squares. Scott was very accommodating and left all the decisions to me on where to go and what to see. It was so much fun for me, but I know a little boring for him. He was very sweet about it though. We met his sister in one of the little towns for dinner and ate seafood by the water. We planned to do the same thing the next day, but on the south fork (though the Hamptons and several other towns). But I felt bad putting him through another day of looking at "other people's junk". So I suggested that we go deep sea fishing on a charter boat. Scott looked up the info and found a boat in Montauk (the last town on the south fork, referred to as "the end"). I absolutely loved this little town, it was so beautiful. They also have a famous light house that we visited. The last time I went deep sea fishing, I was about 11 years old and got so seasick that I fell asleep on the top deck and got very sunburned. So Dramamine to the rescue. I took 2 before we sailed out and it worked great! We caught lots of fish, had lots of fun and enjoyed our 4 hours at sea!

Me, Scott and his sister, Michele at the restaurant on the water in Greenport.

This is at the Pindar Winery. They had a huge field of sunflowers (used in one of their wines) which is one of my favorite flowers. And they were everywhere! BEAUTIFUL!!!

Montauk Lighthouse. It was really beautiful. The picture below is by the lighthouse as well.

Scott with one of the many flukes we caught onboard the Lazy Bones. Can't wait to take the kids to do this sometime!

At the end of our fishing trip and our 2 days alone together. We both came to the conclusion that we must do this more often!

Until next time....

An Actress I am Not

My last blog was full of negative things that happen between woman sometimes. Well, this one will be about some positives. I'm part of a great team at church, Women's Event Team. We just recently started this for the church and it has been a total blast. I love the women that I'm serving with and we have so much fun when we get together. We are all focused on breaking down the normal barriers for women in the church. Such as not wanting to get involved because they think they are not good enough, smart enough, biblical enough, etc....you get the point. Well, this team is all about helping women lose those negative thoughts and realize that we all have them and that we all feel inferior to one degree or another. And once we realize that we each feel this way, how we can overcome it and allow God to work through our lives like He intended. I truly see amazing things happening with this team, our church and the women involved!

Today we spent 4 hours filming a skit that we are doing for an event Friday night. We are having a potluck dinner and then doing crafts/games/scrapbooking for a few hours. But in between the two, we are showing our skit. Some of this will be shown on screen (what we filmed today) and some of it will be live on stage. I think it is going to be great. We are basically showing women meeting for small group and the crazy things that we allow ourselves to think. For instance, my role is to read something from the bible out of Luke. When I volunteer to do this, you see on video what is going on in my head...."Where is Luke, is it New Testament or Old, why did I volunteer to read, someone else probably knows exactly where this is, they are all going to laugh at me when I can't find this". There is also one done similar to this on prayer and then some other issues that women fear as well. We had such a blast doing this and Scott from the church did great filming us. I know with his editing skills, it will be a work of art. Some of us were much more skilled and at ease with the camera than others. Me being one of the "others". I've done things for the church in the past and they are never easy for me. I do not feel comfortable or natural being filmed. But editing is an amazing tool. I've always ended up looking ok and people will tell me that I looked very comfortable. Let's hope that Scott and his magic editing work wonders on what we filmed today, as well! It's all so worth it!

I'll leave you with the artwork for the t-shirts we designed for our team. They were meant to get people talking and make a strong statement. I think they are working, we've had several women request one.



I'll explain in another blog why we chose to use her. It's really quit interesting.

Until next time.....

Why can't we just all get along???

Yes, it's been months since my last blog and this one is going to be one to vent! I just don't understand women sometimes. Why is that we feel so threatened, jealous, defensive, judgmental, scarred and resentful towards each other? Why is it that when women come together, such pettiness gets in the way? God meant for us to learn from each other and lift each other up. Imagine our world if women could loose these feelings towards each other. I'm not trying to lump every woman together and say that all of us are terrible towards each other. But I guarantee that each of us have felt those feelings I list towards another woman to one degree or another. Instead of trying to see the other side and understand where they are coming from. Imagine a world if all women could just stop and think before our defenses go up and we start reacting instead of just listening. I stayed away from close female relationships for a very long time due to all of this.

I know we are not all bad and many women in my life now are wonderful and they are Godly and they are very uplifting. But there are still some in my life that I wish I could change the relationship. I cannot walk away from certain ones. As much as I would like to sometimes, that is not possible. For a long time I prayed about a particular relationship and that God would put His hands all over it. And at times it seems that He is answering and at other times, it seems like we are back to square one. I guess one thing I'm learning is that I need to continually pray for this relationship. It's not going anywhere as far as I know, so why not put it on my permanent prayer list? Something else is that I cannot change anyone, I only have control over my actions and mine alone. The more I pray for this relationship, the more my heart softens towards it. It's obvious I have not prayed about it in quite some time. I'm off to spend some quiet time with God about a not so good relationship!

Until next time.....

Does It Ever Get Easy?

Yes, I'm back. For now anyway. Who knows how long it will be in between posts again. But I just felt like typing and getting some thoughts out there. I'm pretty bummed about some stuff and hopefully this will help me.

Justin moved out again today. He is moving in with a friend of his, LeAnn. She has her own apartment very close by and they decided to become roommates. I met her today for the first time. She came to help him pack and she seems really sweet. I hope it works out for him. I really wasn't upset by his leaving. And I don't think that is wrong or bad of me as a parent. There are several reasons for this though. This is his 3rd time to move out (I half expect him to be home in a couple of months), he is only about 10 minutes away, and we don't see much of him to begin with. There are other reasons as well. We get along ok, but that is mainly because he isn't home alot and also because I choose not to confront him much. We really don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues. Part of that is expected, he is 20 and I'm almost 40. So there is a gender gap, but it goes beyond that. There is a definate respect issue and I think that is where a lot of our issues lie. I tried to explain some things to Justin today after we got into a very heated discussion about our relationship. I really hope some of it sunk in. But sometimes I think he is just in his own little world and it's going to take him having his own family to understand where I'm coming from.

He came home today to pack and move his things and I was really ok with all of it. Then he starts bringing stuff down from his room that do not belong to him. They are items of mine that I used to make his room look nicer. The first thing he was bringing down was the nightstand to our bedroom set. We'll after telling him that all this "stuff" wasn't his, he got really pissed at me and decided to be extremely rude. His response to me was that if it was in his room he should be able to take it. Some of these things were not worth arguing over....some candles, a picture and I don't know what else. But he also had a couple of things that Scott gave me from India. So I only took those back and told him to keep the other things, that it's not worth fighting over. But by then he had already made some pretty mean comments about me and I was crying and LeAnn was telling me she would get my stuff for me. IT WAS NOT ABOUT THE STUFF!!!! Once again, it is about respect and his feeling of entitlement. Justin has a really good track record of not taking care of things, including things that are his own or that are someone elses. But why couldn't he just ask me instead of feeling like he did? I feel like I tried to do something nice and make his room decent (which he has stated that he could care less what his room looks like)and he just took total advantage of that. But that is not really what hurt so much. His words, his anger and what he said to me hurt more than anything. By the time it was all over we were hugging, but the hurt is still very much there.

Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee

I MET OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN LAST NIGHT!!! Yes, you read correctly. I went to her concert with some of my neighbors and we got to go backstage. I was supposed to babysit for Natalie and Tracy so they could go to the concert, but Tracy didn't feel up to going and asked if I would like to and she would babysit Cassie. Of course I wanted to go. Grease is my favorite movie ever!!! It was a great concert and she sounded beautiful. Natalie and I had a great time singing lots of songs from the past. I had forgotten how many country songs ONJ did way back when....but I remembered all of her songs except some of the new ones. Once the concert was over, one of the ladies that was with us, Becky, starts passing out these pink stickers with "Special Guest" on them. Her brother is one of the backup vocals for ONJ and also does some duets with her during the concert. We were going backstage to meet the band and maybe Olivia herself!!! We weren't sure if it would happen, but it did. After being backstage and meeting most of her band members, in walks Sandra Dee in person!! I couldn't believe it...she was really in the same room that I was. I was really shocked at how petite she was and also how soft spoken and quiet she was. On stage she looked so much taller and was really funny and cracking jokes, I just expected her to walk in and do the same, I guess. We met her, got our picture with her and spoke to her for a few minutes. She really seems like such a nice person (all her bands members that we talked to couldn't stop praising her and saying what a wonderful person she really is). She made her rounds to everyone in the room and my heart kind of went out to her for some reason. I almost felt sorry for her. It was just weird that here is this woman who just sang and danced for almost 2 hours and was now walking into a room filled with only a few people that she knew, signing her name over and over and letting total strangers take her picture. I just saw a small glimpse of what it must be like to be a celebrity and my heart went out to her. Sounds strange, I know. But that's how I felt. I always wondered what I would do if I met someone really famous (she is the first). Would I make a blubbering idiot of myself or would I be star struck and not be able to speak. I did neither...I was able to talk to her and compose myself like a normal person. Amazing!!! It really was the coolest night meeting someone that I have always admired. She will forever be Sandy to me, but she really is so much more! I'm a fan for life!!!

I'll post pictures once I get them from my neighbors. Until next time....

A Little Nurse in the Making

Yes, I think Cassie is going to follow in her AMA's footsteps and be a nurse. I've been sick since Saturday and yesterday was my worst day. I was all stopped up and aching all over, but I had my little 4 year old here to take care of me. She was very patient with me wanting to just lie around and do nothing all day. At one point, I was in bed and she had been watching tv, then she walks in my room with a bed tray announcing that she made me lunch. She brought over the tray and it had a cup with milk and a straw and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a plate. I almost started crying. It was just the sweetest thing she has ever done. She kept kissing me on my head and telling me she was going to take care of me. What a little nurse. Scott asked me what the kitchen looked like after she got done. Believe it or not, everything was put away and the knife was even in the sink!!!! What a doll she can be.

Until next time....

Just another day

I feel better as I'm doing this post tonight. I'm actually not doing it to rid my thoughts from this on-going tape recorder that I have in my brain. Just trying to stay up with it more. I really love going back and reading my thoughts. I keep telling myself this site is for me to reflect on, so maybe I can stay more consistent with that thinking.

Cassie was a sweetheart today. It's amazing how good she is doing just staying home with mom. She quit school a couple of weeks ago. She begged and begged to not go anymore. I really think she didn't care for her teacher, but she didn't come out and say that. I thought we would get tired of each other very quickly, but we haven't! :) She has been great and I've been pretty good about giving her attention. She is growing up so quickly just as the others are. Her and Marissa had a great day today. Marissa was quite the sweetheart, as well. They played together, although a little rowdy, there were getting along. Even when we went out to eat, they sat together and happily annoyed each other. Dylan didn't make it for basketball. He had try outs this morning and didn't make the second cut. I could tell it upset him, but he wasn't going to let me know that. There is still always baseball and football. He no longer does band, but he did get in an art class and it's amazing what he's come home with. I knew he had talent, but he's really impressed me and Scott. I'll have to scan one of the pictures and post it. He didn't get that talent from me, that's for sure!

Anyway, I'm off to do some of my Beth Moore study. I'm a little behind and want to catch up before Friday. Until next time.....

Retirement and Disfunctional Families

Today was a very interesting day to say the least. It started out great, the weather was warm, we were going to a party, the house is clean, Cassie was cooperating about things (except for the NEED to wear her tap shoes). Things were good. We left to pick up Dylan and Marissa at school to attend mom's retirement party at TI. She has been there on and off for over 30 years and now she gets to retire and start another chapter in her life. Very exciting! It was great to meet so many people who love and respect her. Everyone she knows at work has heard about her planning on going to Greece once she retires. So along with a bunch of other nice gifts, she received over $1000 in spending money just for her trip. How cool is that! She had a great day....heck she has had a great couple of months of going out to lunches and dinners with people who just want to spend a little more time with her before she is no longer a TIer. I think that is really awesome and I can't wait to get to spend more time with her in this next chapter!

Then we're off to get Dylan to his football game and Marissa back to her dad's house. Tuesday's are his night and I was getting her back so she could go trick or treating. Unfortunately, there was a misunderstanding about where to meet her step-mom. I was sitting in front of their house waiting for her and she was sitting at a store just up the street waiting for me. Then her and her 2 teenage daughters pull in the driveway and out comes one of them yelling at me. Telling me that I need to do what I say I'm going to do and how someone needs to finally stand up to me. Proceeded to call me stupid several times and also told me to shut up repeatedly. Now, this is all coming from a 16 year old girl and I'll admit I did not hold my tongue. During this time her mother is yelling at her to go inside and Marissa is sitting in my back seat crying and telling me that she doesn't want to leave and that she wants to stay with me. So I rolled up my window, took off my seatbelt, hugged and kissed her....and the hardest part of all, sent her off with her step-mom and step-sisters. But not before her 13 year old step sister came out and started yelling at me as well. How horrible of a mom am I?? I wanted so bad to just say to them that I would come back with Marissa when things were calm and Dan was home. But instead, I leave her there where she doesn't feel protected. Why??? Am I so scared of rocking the boat and causing confrontation that I won't look out for my child's best interest? I can honestly say that an incident like this will not happen again. No matter what our divorce decree says, if I don't feel comfortable about something or one of my kids doesn't, I will go with my gut and do what is right by them, not what is right by those stupid papers!! But at what expense did I learn this? What feelings did I impose onto Marissa by doing that to her? What is she going to tell herself later on about that situation? It won't happen again and I'm letting my ex-husband know that it won't. Because I'm sure there will be a next time. I cannot wimp out anymore when it comes to them. They deserve better than that from me.

I'm sure I'll be posting more on this subject very soon. Until then.....