It seems like it has been forever since I signed in and typed my random thoughts. So much as happened since the last post in March. Where to begin....
Well, to start with, I'm no longer working. I gave my 5 week notice (yes, 5 weeks) and now I'm a stay at home mom again. My last day of work was May 18. Unfortunately, not much as been done since then because on May 23, I had surgery (hysterectomy) and I've been recovering from that. My doctor actually recommended this over a year ago and I just was not ready for it for many reasons. Once we decided this was the right option for me, there were more fears and worries. I was nervous about the anesthesia. I've had surgeries in the past, but for some reason, I just had this weird fear that this time that I wasn't going to wake up. But as Scott pointed out, what better way to go? I was also nervous about the effects of not having a uterus or ovaries anymore and being on hormones. Some of that anxiety is gone, but I still have some fears around doing the hormones for the next several years. My doctor gave me a script when I left the hospital to start taking immediately, but they did not agree with me and so I had to stop taking them and when I go in for my 3 week post-op appointment next week, we'll discuss some different hormones to take. Other fears were how this would affect my emotions, would the PMS feelings that I had every month end, or has that just become a part of who I am now? Would this affect my relations with my husband? Would I be able to feel the same with him that I did before? Would I feel less of a women because I can no longer have another life growing inside me? I really didn't have that last fear going into the surgery, but had heard that some women didn't either and then afterwards they did feel any emptiness about it. Fortunately, that last fear has not been a problem. I have four beautiful children that I carried inside me and I am perfectly content with that!
I guess there are fears and worries with all surgeries and with so many different things in life. We talked about this some during group last night and it was nice to share and hear other fears/worries and how others deal with them. As we discussed things last night, I realized that the closer my walk with God is, the less I lie awake in bed at night worrying. Coincidence? I don't think so. I know for me, the more I am able to give over to Him the less of a burden it is on me. That doesn't mean I never worry, by any means. Or that I no longer have fears. But I no longer lie in bed for an hour or more trying to fall asleep because of all the "things" going on inside. Here are some good bullet points from our book we are reading in group "God is in the Small Stuff, and it all matters":
- WORRY IS A CHOICE
- THE BEST WAY TO STOP WORRYING IS TO START PRAYING
- PRAYER CHANGES THINGS; WORRY CHANGES NOTHING
- INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN'T DO, THINK ABOUT WHAT GOD CAN DO FOR YOU
That's just a few that stood out to me. Anyway, I'm back home, recovering well and ready to have a wonderful summer with my family, not worrying about things!!
Until next time....
